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This is about a brutal transition I had to make when the majority of my friends started using real drugs. I joined them at first but luckily, it started making me really sick. That and seeing what my friends were going through, as they were way further along in their usage, led me to disband. I felt alone. I tried to mask it with a sense of holier than thou bullshit but it did not work. This was a very painful time for me but I was eventually thankful that I was forced to pull back. Music helped me to get through it.
lyrics
never gave a fuck
had no reason that I ought to
I was corrupt enough
that those trails tend to haunt you
blood on my hands
as I point in judgement
it's not what I planned
but I knew the shit was comin
lost my best friends
as I watched them plummet
thought to myself
what the fuck is this numbness
the drugs made me sick
so there was no enjoyment
I felt ill equipped to destroy my own shit
it was truly a gift
to be cursed with sickness
it felt deliberate
regardless I had wished
to follow on a maiden voyage to the abyss
to my disappointment life had other interests
thought I was insane not just a little different
thought I'd play their game not just be a victim
had no tools or skills
just a cog in the system
but I was beckoned by those ancient rhythms
to fight for freedom from these sickening conditions
not just to suppress all of the surfacing symptoms
but come to a place of total remission
the terminal illness known as planned indifference
overcome. guilt ridden, insatiable, and forbidden
blurred lines, bloody linens, end before the beginning
took a tone too surreal to bother with questions
I'd atoned and appealed for some form of redemption
all alone you know the feel of cumbersome dead ends
so if you will please leave a message...
I'll do my best to call you back after I've had breakfast
and even pretend to have learned all of my lessons
embedded an internal and a personal prison
where we are both the predator and the victim
the psychiatric patient and the practicing physician
unable to identify the monster lurking within
living in constant fear of one's own actions
how does this all happen?
but we just kept on rappin...